tick..tick

the time flies so fast. chitom is already 6 months plus. he is going to be seven soon in a few days time. n of course he wil keep on growing and insya-Allah semoga dipanjangkan umur i, i want to see him grow n membesar. n die success in live so then i think i can leave in peace. insya-Allah. i've been fighting with my own emotional feelings and thoughts that went in and out of myself. juz now i realized i really do need to express is out to sumone from outsidethe circle. so the thoughts of having to see phycologist or physiatrist again came appearing in my head. my sis told me b4 that i can also seek for some advices or talks with counsellor from jabatan agama islam but i think it's ok. it's not that critical that i really have to go there. blogging is juz the same as diary but i cant update it everyday like i used to do b4 when i juz used a normal log book or note book. well.. that doesn't matter. perhaps i should have one too and to have with me in my bag so everytime when i got time i can just write and scribble on it plus to have blog as well. haha.. [mummy starts to smile] more updates as below.

quite a long and tiring week this week eventhough i was on leave on monday.lemme recap. owh on monday i went to consult dentist on my gigi susu and yup i have to put on braces but havent decided to put juz atas or bwh together. then setel banking. then setel registration. i am going to further my studies this semester after taking about 2 years break. and insya-Allah akan belajar bersungguh sungguh. balik je that day penat sgt. smp mandi and dinner pun around 10pm til mil like marah sebab i ni brestfeed chitom. nnt takut chitom kembung lak. these whole week i drive coz husband got things to do. btw i feel ok. coz i dont trouble him that much that he needs to send me and fetch me from work. dah la my ofis jauh he need to redah jam juz to sendn fetch me. takpe.. i can go bymyself. juz that i need to go out a lil bit earlier. today is much later. almost 930. coz i woke up late. lps ni nak mintak tlg pesan kat my mum la to wake me up everyday at 6am. so by then hopefully tak lambat lagi. owh my nephew radhi and syafiq went for preschool already. i'm sure they will have lots of fun there. hahaha... at ofis i was pretty busy with year end closing. yes it was all done and close but of course more reports need to be generated to compare previous year and this year's performance. woohh. hold on to that. hopefully by end of jan slowly it will ease la. kannn.. [like mus always said-hahahaha-ape cite die, thought of asking her out juz to lepak and minum together]

the other day i had a misunderstanding issue with my husband. ntahla.. tak tau betul ke tak kan. yup.. if u see and read my previous post u will kno. i break with him [bf then] bcoz i betrayed him. so within the period he got closed to a girl u see. then of course la whatever happened between them i'm sure is one of his lovable loving memories as i know that he is in love with her too. btw he got back with me and we got married. sumtimes i do wonder betul ke die nak kawin ngan i ni. coz i tanak die regret. maybe he shud be getting married with the girl he is closed to. tapi bile i tgk chitom.. God has plans for zafran to live in this world back then in luh mahfuz so i have no say to that. is juz that as a woman of course i do feel jealous as and when it occurs. the other day when i told him this, he said u can be jealous of me then if not i tak sayang die tapi now plak bile i talk bout the same thing he said please understand him coz watever happens b4 is past and he dont want to mention her name as that will recall what ever happens between me and him. yes i'm not in his position maybe i dont know exactly how it feels to get ur heart broken damn bad tapi ye la i pun jealous la of course. but this time i juz felt like i shuld throw away all my jealousy coz that will safeguard me from this feelings i'm having at the moment. more i felt like i talked too much. guess i need to be more quiet. talk when necessary. i tried doing it for few days and it seems fine to me. juz that my husband said that i doesnt look like i care of him. when he said that ..another thought came in to my mind. y nak i care plak.. "orang lain" kan ade. orang lain meaning the girl in my stroy above. uurrgghh.. benci ni semua. i juz rasa nak pegi holiday tmpt lain nak jalan sorang. nak time on my own. skrang rasa macam tertrapped somewhere in a big block maize. maybe juz my mind kot. ntahla i juz pray for the best for everybody tak kesa la sape kan. i now nak focus lebih to myself and son. nak study hard. nak jaga anak i. tadi masa nak tidokn chitom i ter cry infront of him. apala mummy..pastu mata die tgk i redup je. then tangan gebu sapu2 pipi i. i guess he feels what i feel kot. pastu we all dua2 tetido. now i terbangun sebab nak packing barang. tomoro going back to shah alam for a week.hhmm..i pun dh lame tak balik sane tapi sorry to my husband if he feels uncomfortable staying at my house.

i juz wished i could hug someone and cry at that sumone's shoulder but i am big enuf to fight all this unneccessary feelings in my life. own conficts. hmm.. okaylah..enuff of crying.. i got things to do. i hope for a better day next week and ahead. i think i'm starting to feel ok a bit. sayonara!