month-end

well.. it's 30.4.08 last day of the month. so i'll be bz again with month end closing, month end reports n everything month end. this time round kena siapkan by the datelines we have decided. yesterday, someone from am called asking me to come for an interview. it's with HR. most prob bout salary. it will be next tuesday. wish me luck. so i kena prepare myself mentally n physically. kena siapkan all the documents by this weekend. plus passport sized photos skali. 2 keping. for wat ar? takpela siapkan je la. sumtimes i terwonder sengsorang. wat i'm doing currently ni btul ke tak? am i doing the rite thing? rasa cam malas nak pindah2 sbb i dh rs comfortable with the area. it's quite convenient to get here. nak makan, jln tak jam sgt. is juz that the $ yg buat i pk to find other job jgk. tapi selain tu yang i rasa i kena moved on is bcoz of that incident yg happened to me sometime ago. hhhmmmmm........hhhmmmm........hhhmmmm....

yesterday, after work i gi sri kota nak cari susu low fat + chicken wings. i cooked rice, sardine, telur mata kerbau and fried crispy chicken. i bought the serbuk from the store. so hubby ckp sedap. he said nak ratah ayam so i pk if goreng biase je cam tak syok, y not i beli the serbuk. try on my own. tapi masa nak buka plastic serbuk tu kan. the thing splash to my face. masuk mata sket la. aduh! pedih ok. cpt2 masuk bilik air then cuci mata. my left eye. roughly i habis cooked 1 hour later. i pastu mandi... then *tup*tup* tgk hubby sudah pulang. hehe... then we all dine together. syoknye.. hehe.. then i praised myself "sedapnye i masak" masuk bakul angkat sendiri. then, tgk hubby bertukang pasang jam dinding yg we all beli kat bukit tinggi that day. jam die unik la. nnt i post pic ok. tapi the jarum a bit tak betul. bile die past number 9, jarum saat tu ticking at the same spot. even this morning i woke up pun same jgk. dunno y. geram pun ade jgk. nnt kena check kat kedai jam la cam tu. bengang sket la.

this morning, i ade rasa tak tenteram sket. bout a girl that he is seeing currently. he said he loved her same as me. coz i read his sms to n fro that girl. tu la sape suruh baca lagi. but is just that i'm curious nak tau. but about 2 hours later, he called me confessing wat is actually inside his heart. how he actually handle things. i'm like terharu with wat he said. he loves me damn much ok. how could i? how could i did that to him? how could i? hmmm....i nak cry tadi. tapi i control myself. now i realised how much he actually loves me. yang.. in return i will love u with all of my heart n most important thing is to care four our baby til end of my life.

LOVE U MUCH DEAR!

singing to songs

my mood today? ok. i rasa happy. last nite we all tgk citer "LOVE" "CINTA" will be Malaysian version. it is Indon's version. but the story really terkena kat i ok. wat the married couple faced. the wife had an affair with another guy. n the husband sooo kesian.. the daughter kesian also. i cried tau. i realised benda tu soooo stupid. i tak nak my husband and anak faced that kind of situation. kena lived separately. if nak ikut mum duduk ngan mum, if not duduk ngan dad. nak improve myself. nak jaga myself so it will not happen again. i cried la. hopefully hubby tak perasan. pastu.. LOVE actually means a lot. with love, it can change people's life for better or for worse. NO ONE IN THIS WORLD DOESN'T WANT TO BE LOVED AND BEING LOVED. so when we have it, take care of it like wat Alicia Keys said "love me like this is the last time u see me" ohh.. i'm really touched. i teringat k movie tu. don't play with heart n emotion nnt diri sendiri yang susah.

semalam masa dinner, i told him that i wonder sape dlm heart die tapi he said u tak kenal i sape lagi. u yang inside my heart. he had made his decision n it is me that he chosed. i terharu ok. nak nangis. nak cry. sumer ade. talking bout jealousy, a topic that he brought up. OF COURSE i akan rasa jealous.. benda tu mmg ade. i rasa my jealousy teruk jgk ok. tapi i remember mum die ckp jgn terlampau over jealousy, nnt merana diri sendiri. yanngg... u ni swwwweeeeettttt la..

juz had lunch. i makan ngan k.zila, husna n sya. kenyang la. k.zila sakit perut ckp angin. so she cannot finished her food. tadi i'm trying to observe her. y is she talking like that. y is she like to stare at ppl atas bawah. i wonder. coz my other lunch mate (kak maria) pun ade mention jgk. tapi, being natural, it's better not for me to cakap or menokok tambah ape yg orang lain kutuk2. sumtimes malas la nak dgr sumer gossip gossip ni. better i gi makan sorang je kan. tapau then makan at my place.

semalam kak maziah called, she said she baru nak send memo to her boss. if they accept, most prob i kena gi second interviu with HR regarding salary. and if they want me cepat, kak maziah said they are willing to pay to current company. tapi selagi blum ade confirmation, i will not tender any resignation. i pray kat God semoga murahkan rezeki. and thanks to everyone in this place that help me a lot.

to hubby, i tau u tgh work hard sekarang. tapi make sure health u jaga. i tgk sekarang ni banyak balik u smoke. batuk u tu, on n off. pastu skang ni kita dh cpt penat. guess so lacking of exercise. so, lps ni nk tanamkan dlm diri untuk exercise. maybe jogging once a week. that shud be ok i guess. take care of urself. love u alwiz. be mine...

monday blues

haha.. not that blue la coz hari ni i pakai baju warna biru. the punjab style. i like it la. the colour. it's like cerah n really outstanding. i feel happy when i'm wearing this clothes. plus pagi tadi tgk elmo yg comel tu. sooo... merah. love him too. <-- hubby, if u baca ni (love him too is for my elmo in the car) juz got back from lunch. kenyang la. alhamdulillah.

semalam i tak tenteram tau. i takleh nak pray sbb i period. wat i did was to amik air semayang, then juz doa kat Tuhan, tenteram kan hati ku ini. tenangkan hatiku ini dan semoga hidup ku diberkatiNya. Amin.

yangg.....u r sooooooooo sweet..

27.04.2008

27th apr 2008. 1 more month is our 8th anniversary. dah lame we all kawan sebenarnye. actually i'm kind of nervous now. it's like i'm new to him. there's a lot for me to learn about him. now i rasa cam for the past 7 years i don't really take the opportunity to discover more bout him. sumtimes wonder nak buat ape ar? tapi tu i kena pk sendiri la. camne nak tackle, camne nak win his heart back, camne nak tau die suka ape, tak suke ape. hopefully wat ever happened in my life, i will take it as a big lesson for me in the future. he is soooo sweet la. rasa so stupid now ok. he is so kind. i nak shower him with my love. i'm stil trying to change myself and to improve myself. now i rasa a bit mature la. the way i think.

one think now after all of this happened, i realised one thing that man whenever they meet up it's not really or basically nonsense talk but it's more to future generation. how to generate more income. previously i was like aduh! tak yah la nak kuar! aik nak kuar kuar kuar! takleh duk umah ke, cam tak suke je duk umah ckp fon ngan i. tapi bile i pk.. better la die kuar ngan his frens, nway bukannye buat perangai tah pape tah but they discussed something for future. rather than duk umah ckp fon kosong ngan i, spend like 2 3 hours.. rasa cam takde benefit pun kat situ. huisshh.. besar okay responsibility guys ni. nak built family, nak cari $$. we as woman kena know how to play our part. if takleh nak contribute in that idea, least we can do is to support him from the back during ups and downs and the most important thing is to take care of ourself. our pride n dignity. paling penting ok.

to my sayang. thanks for everything. i tau that day u baca blog i kan. i rasa cam malu la. shy shy sbb u baca ape yang i tulis sumer. that's wat i rasa la. yang.. nak kapuk u.. yang.. if u ter baca this post.. i nak tanye.. u sayang i tak? tak pretend? how much? why u treat i so nice cam ni? u miss me tak? i rasa terharu ok. nak hug u la.

yesterday, i nye trial exam. i tak banyak la study but i did sket la. tapi as usual masa time exam tu a bit like blur. tak tau nak tulis ape. i jawab je ape yg i tau. i managed to answer all three questions tapi tu la. i kena brushed on my time management during exam. nanti tak cukup time. tangan i lenguh2 k. jawab question. sbb dah lame tak tulis so bile tulis bnyk rasa cam oh! tak cukup time la. banyak lagi nak tulis. and of course bile time dah sket haa.. lagi la banyak benda u nak tulis kan. time tu ideas kuar mencurah2. ape benda nak tulis sumtimes tangan like cakap "wait wait aku dah tak larat ni" hahaha... results boleh tau the next 2 weeks sbb next week cuti. yaay!

i nak gi shopping la. semalam gi roxy tgk ade satu bag tu. i tot nak buy one. tapi tak tgk plak berapa price die. i cam bnyk benda je nak beli. kasut satu. seluar satu. baju keje. baju jalan lain. hmm.. my hair ni. nak curl lagi. maybe dlm 250. uiisshh.. banyak tu nak spend. semalam i dh ckp kat faiz that i will tambah satu baju keje tapi die ckp better i tambah sluar satu sbb die tak banyak seluar. orait gak tu. nnt i belanja. i rasa a bit guilty la on his working clothes due to the fabric softener. i rasa i kena larutkan dalam air dulu baru tuang dalam machine kan. sorry.. syian baju u. pastu i rasa i gosok baju die tak licin la. nnt nak cari iron yg berat tu la. at least dh licin.

HAPPY 7 YEARS 11 MONTHS ANNIVERSARY! LOVE U BABY!

la la la la la

yesterday i cuti. gi interviu. nervous la. dh lame takde rasa that kind of feelings. b4 pegi i went to wash n blow at a salon sumwhere nearby. only rm18. haha.. i rasa my hair clean. drove to sentral. then took cab to the place. quite easy la tapi juz the traffic that i have to bear. i rasa comfortable with the environment. hopefully insya-Allah murah rezeki i dpt la keje kat situ. no one actually knows about it in my ofis. tapi that lady ckp if ape2 they'll call me. or maybe there'll be a second interviu. wish me best of luck.

this week (the whole week) we dine kat luar. tak masak pun. hmm... maybe next week la. nak masak sup ayam. so at least not that heavy rite.

Shower me with your love

that's wat i'm goin to do..
btw, later need to ask him few qs.. that i came accross this morning..
thanx for everything..
alhamdulillah... untukMu Tuhan di atas anugerah yang telah engkau berikan.. Amin..

SCALING

gigi saya ngilu sbb tadi pegi scaling. my bro said my mulut berdarah. n like isshh.. a bit geli la. but nvm la. it's for my gigi's health. doctor ckp kena berus gusi as well if not plak will stuck kat situ then gusi jadi tak sihat. so at the moment mmg tak sihat sbb gum i bleeding. hehe..

updating

updating resume. already saved n sent to my ofis add. tapi 3 pages. hmm..quite long. maybe tomoro morning i'll see la wat i can do to amend this things to at least make it 2 pages. printed out sumthing for hubby. hope so he'll like it. oklah. nak tido. nite..

chicken curry

yesterday i cooked chicken curry. the style that mum used to cook. with santan. i got B- for it. haha.. feel happy coz i kind of bz last nite. thanx for everything.

it's sunday morning

woke up at 10am. today most prob tak gi mane2. sbb nak kemas umah la. so bersepah. a bit rimas infact a lot rimas. since most prob i wont be at home for the whole week. dunno. depends. my trial exam wil be on 26th apr. a bit worried la. but i must and MUST continue studying to achieve my dreams. thanks for supporting me.

yesterday, went for breakfast with him n frens. than met his big bro cousin n wife. i was like.. shit! i can't describe the feelings. takut ade. guilty n sort of feelings la. then balik lepak at his house. his mum n sis were cool ok. at first i macam segan jgk nak masuk umah die tapi then his mum invited in. i rasa being sooooo welcomed tapi u know la lps incident ni i macam rasa sgt bersalah n his family were so open to me for giving me another chance. thanks very much. i will not dissapoint u. thanks again.

at nite watched af with farid at rumah kak yan. balik ard 11.30. smp umah cleaned up, pray then tido. a bit letih. tapi last nite i tido ok. takde terjaga2 la. alhamdulillah. like wat his mum said, apa2 yang sakitkan hati, rimaskan hati, buat hati risau, tolak tepi. take it easy sbb nnt it will destroy ourselves. thanks for the advice makcik. appreciate it very much. =)

burger

juz had burger. earlier went out with bob. he nak beli papadem kat giant. i juz waited in the car. he said esok cam ade majlis ape ntah. not very sure. balik tu singgah beli burger jap kat area my house. i ordered daging special. bob daging biase. quite sleepy la while waiting for it. then, half way bob drive home. sampai umah, cleaned up then makan burger. i'm full. currently cam kenyang n not that sleepy. kak yan had misunderstood with her maid. most prob she wil be sending her back to indon within this few days. hmm.. based on her story, the maid being rude to her and she did not care for her son. like neglecting. neglect? tak kesa? sounds familiar. yupp.. i ignored hubby's love. now i tgh struggle balik to get his trust n his love balik. i know it's not easy. but i'm trying my best. please yang.. i want to bloom that love balik. please.. i kno u have accepted me back. n yesterday, after wat his fren told him, i was like,,ohh..man ni sebenarnye so sweet. they think of us (woman) like 24 7 but we ignore that. we ignore that. thinking how big are we n how big can we be without realising that we are wrong. we r stepping into an unsafe world. without guidance from men, of course we'll be weak n lost. n with their guidance too, we'll be safe n stronger. yangg.. i love u so much! please don't let other love growing between u n the other girl. coz i've promised myself that u will not see this things happen again. ever again. ever n ever n ever n ever. coz i love u so much. pls sayang. i tak nak tgk u hurt lagi. i nak care for u til end of my life. nak jaga u.. i dah promised to myself jgk yg u takkan regret for choosing me. pls sayang. love u so much..

juz had lunch

now at ofis.. baru lps lunch. makan ngan husna. funds' a/c gi lunch together for rozie's farewell. her last day will be this monday. hmm.. yesterday, i had a talk on searching for new job with an old fren. i dunno la tapi maybe i'll go for it. for future prospect. hmm.. tapi if blh i tak nak keje. nak duduk rumah. for this one week, i jadi an unofficial housewife. cooking, cleaning the house, doing laundry n bnyk benda lagi. it really taught me that mum's jobb is not that easy. u have to maintain the house plus at the same thing maintaining work at ofis. it's a challenge for me. i akan strive hard to make sure both should be ok. thanks hubby for giving me support.

yesterday, i wasn't feeling so good. took half day. i wanted to fast tapi tak jadi. i cam dehydrated. syian i kan. hehe.. so i terpaksa la buka puasa dlm kul 11am. after lunch balik umah then tido. tak larat ok. woke up ard 4pm like that. then, hubby pun balik awal. coz he's tired too. dinner kat mr.teppanyaki. makan chicken & beef teppanyaki. yummy la. tapi perut i kan kosong like ade angin. then makan tauge, pastu sakit perut. maybe sebab tauge tu pun angin. campur dalam perut i yg mmg ade angin. terus ade sket rasa pusing2. pastu balik umah, buat hot milo makan ngan roti. pastu rasa ok sket la. juz that ade time tu asyik nak terkentut je. hehe.. sorry. how dirty i am rite.

no header

no header? don't really have the idea of wat header to put in. juz had roti bilis. quite full la. later will cook rice n ayam goreng. hmm..okaylah.. no mood to write la. will sambung esok ok. sayonara..

feel like typing n typing n typing. if last time when i used to have books, i wil alwiz write n write n write like nobody's business. i guess maybe i'll switch back to books coz i can write n read at any time i want. juz imagine, without internet connection, how can i blog n write what i feel what i'm up to what i'm facing at the moment. moments.. moments..moments.. moments that can't turned back time. feeling guilty is of course. can't throw that feelings. a lot of emotions playing in my heart at the moment.

earlier, boss was asking on a report but i was like blur.. wat?? feel ashamed coz i need to asked him again which reports he requested for. he just smiled and showed me the report that he wanted. ohh.. apa la i. i told him. sory, i'm blur. which report that u actually want. i smiled at him and said thanks before went out from his room. =) not so professional. i'm kind of a bit sleepy at the moment. hungry? well.. not that hungry compared to the days when i'm not fasting. that's wat so great about fasting in the fasting month or not in fasting month. it's juz that now banyak dugaan yang dtg. as i'm getting older, kena banya pk.. yang mane btul yg mane tak. maturely thinking. sometimes wonder how ppl at younger age can think maturely unlike their age. compared to myself yg dah hidup almost suku abad tapi pk stil mature enough. STUPID.. STUPIDITY..STUPIDITY..

i'm currently listening to AKU MAU by Once. hmm.. thanks for all the things that u've done. thanks for all. love u so much. i nak take this opportunity to improve myself, change a lot of things, be a good woman and of course truely madly deeply love him without any doubts and change n without any cheating.. NO CHEATING.. keep that in mind! please.. please.. please.. now listening to BACK AT ONE.. i'm currently a bit emotional. nak cry pun ade. tapi tak tau nak hug sape. love him so much.

skarang ni i mmg pk nak continue habiskan my studies. dah complete dah excel nak balas balik jasa my parents mesti takleh. so, ape yg i blh buat is berdoa kat tuhan panjangkan umur diorang, sihatkan tubuh badan, jgn bagi diorang tension2, make them happy n to love them til end of my life. coz their love can't be found at any where in the world. thanks mum + dad.

@ ofis

i'm @ ofis now. resting coz it's lunch break. kak zu pun puasa gak. i dunno wat to eat later. ade rasa a bit lapar tapi kena tahan la. boleh tak if tak nak makan langsung? hmm.. not a good qs coz nnt u cannot leave without food n drink. without food n drink u cannot pray to God to ask for His forgiveness of all the things that u've done in ur past. am i rite? currently i'm a bit cold. air-cond quite freezing.. snowing it will be if our weather is not khatulistiwa.

hmm... oklah wanna do work. chiow!

fasting

i'm fasting today. juzt had my sahur which i ate nasi+ayam goreng letak kicap. y'day me, sis, her son n bro went to mid valley. on the career fair thingy. browsing n looking thru. many jobs offered tapi my mind is still wondering do i have to change the job now? after that black incident happened, i dont feel like working anymore. seriously it affects my performance level at work. i can't focus, at times i'm sleepy, i'm tired, i'm exhausted. but it doesn't seem right, it's like not fair. think logically, personal and work need to be separated. being a professional. that's wat ppl alwiz say. and i also used to say, "apa la nak campur adukkan personal n work" "not professional" but at this very particular time, i'm doing it. mixing it well with work n private life. oh gosh! now i see why ppl can't cope with work if they have personal things affecting their lives. i wanted to go to sleep but i can't. my heart still feels like kena cucuk2. feeling guilty is of course. i wanted to cry. but i know, even if i cry with blood tears, that does not change anything.

i'm stil very lucky and thanx to God sbb bagi i chance skali lagi. i'm speechless la. i dunno wat to say. i seriously wanted to cry. now i'm hugging a pillow. i rasa like nak pegi holiday. on my own. no one else. to see different views. to think n re-think wat is it in life that one want now. i rasa sgt tak tenteram sekarang. maybe in a short while, i mandi, pray n maybe mengaji n insya-Alah by doing so i rasa boleh buat hati i feel like tenteram.

to him-> thnx for giving me the chance. thnx to those ppl ard him that supports me. thanx to his mum and sis. to his frens, i'm a bad girl aite. i cheated n hurt ur closest n bestest fren ever. i'm sure most of u guys hated me. it's ok. i deserved it. know wat, semalam masa i jumpe him n his frens at mid valley, i ada rasa one kind of feelings, like shy and guilty. that wat his fren told him too. this incident really taught me a lesson. being a WOMAN not a GIRL is much much more different. how u see things, how u handle things, n pls SHIMA don't use the phrase i dunno la, tak kesa, pls use ur BRAIN and think. u r an adult already. think like one. being matured n being matured n being matured. i will do all my best to gain his trust, his confidence, his love n his attention.

after all of this happened, last nite i rasa like happy with my family. evry one shud have a happy family. n u shud be thankful for whatever u have. even tho u hve probs in ur family, do not over-drag it. take it as it come. my conversation n dad like funny. haha. with mum. at times she being concious and at times she's not. started to getting used to it. sis n family, n bros. i'm trying to change now. not following emotion. that's very bad.

my heart stil rsa tak sedp lagi. usually this thing happen when u're in a relationship n ur partner's feelings is not really there for u. i mean when he hated u, he mad at u, coz when u r in a relationship, u n partner have some sort of mutual agreement. so when something is not right, u'll feel this kind of things. i've tried my best to put that in words. hope u guys understand it.

now, i'm currently thinking of whether to continue blogging or get back to my old style of writing journals. sometimes i feel more like writing. maybe i'll do that kot. tapi this blog? see how first ok. guess that's a lot better.

i nak mandi la coz nak pegi keje. nak nangis ke nak mandi? nnt at work baru pk nak buka puasa makan ape. baru 1 jam puasa dah pk nak makan ape. ishh..ishh..

5th apr

do u noticed that i've been posting for the past few days like a weird timing. i mean 2am. 4am. i can't really sleep well. even til today. need to regain my sleeping time and also my eating time to keep my health back in track.

i terbangun lambat tadi. ard 7.15am. so i semayang subuh lambat. hmm..=( doesn't feel right la. i nak jaga my praying timing ni. so bile lmbt tadi rasa cam one kind. cam alamak! dah lambat. huhu.

Ya Allah, syukur kepada mu ke atas segala limpahan kurnia mu dan terima kasih atas segalanye.

nak mandi sbb nak gi clas.

astaghfirullahalazim

astaghfirullahalazim (many many times)

it's important in your lives as to get back to God who created you

in order for u to keep track with ur life

can't sleep

can't sleep la. i managed to sleep for like 2 hrs. then, i terjaga. wat should i do now? i started to pray already. pray n mengaji earlier. n i feel a lot better. as in i can control myself. but now, my heart like kena cucuk ngan jarum. pls yang.. give me a last chance. pls forgive me. pls.. pls.. i nak jumpe u n confront everything. face to face. please dear. love u so much!

april

april. new month in the year of 2008. hoping for a better start for the next quarter of the year. exam will be in june. 2 more months to go. haven't register for exam entry yet. most probably tonite so then i can pay the exam fees as well. last nite i slept quite early. ard 10pm. talked with mus b4 that. she said she got scolded by her boss for not completing her task for yesterday's audit meeting. kesian her. i also told her that these few months, i also feel that performance at work quite bad. dropped a bit la. so this month must improve myself. that's the promise we made to each other. to improve our work flow and our performance at work. so boss will not get dissapointed. wish me luck.

btw, i'm still thinking about wat happened last week. it's like... i dunno wat to say. life must go on. i promise to improve myself to become someone else better in the future. on the way to work this morning, i cried in the car. thinking of wat i did. asking God for forgiveness. so many mistakes i've done and i'm very thankful after what i did, God stil give me this world to live and air to breath. to realised my mistakes and stil have the chance to improve myself. to become someone else better..

sometimes i juz feel like going to an empty place open space or might be a place neatby the airport. to scream n scream n scream. but i dun think so by doing that it can turn back the time. that's why ppl alwiz say, once it happens, u can't take it back. time is very precious. i pandai je ckp appreciate time but it seems like i yg tak pandai appreciate time. improvement n improvement need to be done. everything. insya-Allah. sekarang ape yang i harapkan is to God give me strength, give me courage, tabahkan hatiku ini, ampunilah dosaku. semoga Tuhan memberkati dan merahmati diriku dan semua orang. Amin....