fasting

i'm fasting today. juzt had my sahur which i ate nasi+ayam goreng letak kicap. y'day me, sis, her son n bro went to mid valley. on the career fair thingy. browsing n looking thru. many jobs offered tapi my mind is still wondering do i have to change the job now? after that black incident happened, i dont feel like working anymore. seriously it affects my performance level at work. i can't focus, at times i'm sleepy, i'm tired, i'm exhausted. but it doesn't seem right, it's like not fair. think logically, personal and work need to be separated. being a professional. that's wat ppl alwiz say. and i also used to say, "apa la nak campur adukkan personal n work" "not professional" but at this very particular time, i'm doing it. mixing it well with work n private life. oh gosh! now i see why ppl can't cope with work if they have personal things affecting their lives. i wanted to go to sleep but i can't. my heart still feels like kena cucuk2. feeling guilty is of course. i wanted to cry. but i know, even if i cry with blood tears, that does not change anything.

i'm stil very lucky and thanx to God sbb bagi i chance skali lagi. i'm speechless la. i dunno wat to say. i seriously wanted to cry. now i'm hugging a pillow. i rasa like nak pegi holiday. on my own. no one else. to see different views. to think n re-think wat is it in life that one want now. i rasa sgt tak tenteram sekarang. maybe in a short while, i mandi, pray n maybe mengaji n insya-Alah by doing so i rasa boleh buat hati i feel like tenteram.

to him-> thnx for giving me the chance. thnx to those ppl ard him that supports me. thanx to his mum and sis. to his frens, i'm a bad girl aite. i cheated n hurt ur closest n bestest fren ever. i'm sure most of u guys hated me. it's ok. i deserved it. know wat, semalam masa i jumpe him n his frens at mid valley, i ada rasa one kind of feelings, like shy and guilty. that wat his fren told him too. this incident really taught me a lesson. being a WOMAN not a GIRL is much much more different. how u see things, how u handle things, n pls SHIMA don't use the phrase i dunno la, tak kesa, pls use ur BRAIN and think. u r an adult already. think like one. being matured n being matured n being matured. i will do all my best to gain his trust, his confidence, his love n his attention.

after all of this happened, last nite i rasa like happy with my family. evry one shud have a happy family. n u shud be thankful for whatever u have. even tho u hve probs in ur family, do not over-drag it. take it as it come. my conversation n dad like funny. haha. with mum. at times she being concious and at times she's not. started to getting used to it. sis n family, n bros. i'm trying to change now. not following emotion. that's very bad.

my heart stil rsa tak sedp lagi. usually this thing happen when u're in a relationship n ur partner's feelings is not really there for u. i mean when he hated u, he mad at u, coz when u r in a relationship, u n partner have some sort of mutual agreement. so when something is not right, u'll feel this kind of things. i've tried my best to put that in words. hope u guys understand it.

now, i'm currently thinking of whether to continue blogging or get back to my old style of writing journals. sometimes i feel more like writing. maybe i'll do that kot. tapi this blog? see how first ok. guess that's a lot better.

i nak mandi la coz nak pegi keje. nak nangis ke nak mandi? nnt at work baru pk nak buka puasa makan ape. baru 1 jam puasa dah pk nak makan ape. ishh..ishh..